My Testamony

For most of my life I believed I recieved Jesus Christ as my Savior as a small five-year old child, but as I grew older doubts crept in more and more often. They haunted me relentlessly. I was the middle child and known amoungst my family for my quick temper and selfishness. I tried harder than ever to get rid of them both, but the harder I tried the more they seemed pop up out of no where. I fell for it everytime.
It wasn’t that I didn’t try to be good. I did, only to avoid punishment. I had no real desire to do right otherwise. It frustrated me. I knew I should want to, but I didn’t. Where was God when I needed him most?
I tried to pray, but there always seemed to be a wall in between me and Him. So I shut God out as much as I possibly could. I resented prayer and the Bible because of the wall there was seemingly between us.
As my twefth birthday rounded the corner the subject of God was always in my mind. It seemed to take the priority of all inner conversations. I stubbornly refused to believe I wasn’t saved. My love for singing though really got to me. I loved the old gospel hymns and I couldn’t sing them without feeling guilty.
One night Mom asked me whether I was sure I was saved or not it was always best to be sure. I about choked and mumbled the answer I knew she wanted to hear. Hurrying out to the livingroom I sat down and couldn’t band the small scene from my mind. Leaving my brother and sister to amuse themselves I slipped into Dad’s office and told God I was tired of argueing with him. Just take me.

I realize now that I had no real comprehension of what Jesus did for us on Calvary as a small child, nor that I was really a sinner.

I have never been the same since that day, but God’s still working on that temper of mine, it still voices itself every so often. He’s still working on the selfishness too, once in a while I’ll catch it sneaking its way back in.

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Published on July 9, 2009 at 7:33 pm  Leave a Comment  

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